PM: Good afternoon, everyone. I wanted to take this opportunity to give you an update on a new local government initiative that we’re kicking off in the Lewes area: Stop The Goals.
Successive administrations have failed to get on top of the goals crisis, but it’s one of my top priorities for 2024 to block opposition goals and help Lewes thrive once more.
I’ll take questions from the press now. Let’s start with Dave Tory from The Daily Mail.
Dave Tory: We’re getting reports that there’s been a goal at Billericay in the opening couple of minutes, Prime Minister. That an attacker was allowed to drift into the area at a corner and score a free header. Do you have any comment on that?
PM: Well, Dave, that’s incredibly disappointing news. But we always knew there were going to be bumps in the road, that there are no easy solutions to this problem. But we’ve got a plan, we’ve got to stick to that plan, and we will eventually Stop The Goals.
Who’s next? Let’s take a question from Phil Racist from GB News.
Phil Racist: Mr Sunak, we’re hearing that Lewes are, in fact, two down and that one of the defenders has deflected the ball past his goalkeeper. Bit of an own goal, would you say Prime Minister?
PM: Nobody wants to see own goals, Phil. It’s incredibly unfair on the forwards who have queued up to score to see defenders skipping the queue. That’s why we’re determined to Stop The Goals. And I’m sure if we can get to half-time without any more goals being scored, we’ll start to see real progress.
The next question is from Julia Jobsworth from The Guardian.
Julia Jobsworth: Our reporter on the scene is telling us that there’s now a third goal, Prime Minister. A defender caught in possession, a run into the box and a goal conceded at the near post. That’s three in 45 minutes, Prime Minister. Not quite going to plan, is it?
PM: Obviously, that’s not the news any of us wanted to hear, Julia. But I’ve spoken to my colleague, the Defence Minister, and I can guarantee there will be changes at half-time. Tamplin is coming on for Sablier and Ogunwamide is replacing Gondoh. I’m not afraid to take the tough, unpopular decisions, Julia, and it’s the reshuffle we need to Stop The Goals.
Robert Waffle from ITV News.
Robert Waffle: Extraordinary scenes in Essex, Prime Minister. Because despite your changes and continued promises to Stop The Goals, it seems there’s been a fourth just minutes after the restart. Moments after the home side hit the post, it appears they’ve prodded another one into the proverbial onion bag, although there’s some dispute over whether this a goal for Merryfield or another own goal. Are you able to enlighten us as to what’s going on Prime Minister?
PM: All I can tell you Robert is that our plan to Stop The Goals is being continually undermined by The Opposition, who’ve opposed our plan at every stage.
Next question from John Nipple from The Sun.
John Nipple: It’s going from bad to worse, it appears Prime Minister. This time they’ve got to the byline and smashed one in from a tight angle. By my count that’s five, although it’s something of a stretch for a Sun reporter to count that high. Any words?
PM: Five is my red line, John. I can categorically promise the people of Lewes that they will see goal numbers decrease in the very near future. In fact, my colleagues are already working on a new incentive scheme for match officials to ensure goals are disallowed, but it’s apparently blocked under UEFA legislation that we’re planning to override.
We’ve got time for two more questions. Yes, let’s have the BBC’s Andy Snark.
Andy Snark: Reports from the scene say you’ve taken off your only striker and replaced him with a midfielder. Would you care to comment on this move, Prime Minister?
PM: Strikers have held back this country for too long, Andy. I’m sure Keir Starmer and his union paymasters will be backing the strikers, as normal, but it’s good, honest, hard-working midfielders who will Stop The Goals, Andy.
Final question from The Telegraph’s Diane McBatshit.
Diane McBatshit: Just a quick one, Prime Minister. There are sketchy reports from New Lodge that Lewes have missed a penalty. Missed it by the length of a dinghy, in fact. Any comment?
PM: We promised to Stop The Goals, Diane, and that’s exactly what we’ve done. Thank you, everybody.
Lewes: Harvey, Ming, Elliott, Vint, Oguntayo, Penney, Whelpdale, Sablier, Gondoh, Lumbobo-Kalala, Wood
Subs: Tamplin, Ogunwamide, Murtagh, Olukoga, Pritchard
Supporters Club man of the match: Nathan Harvey. Without a few decent saves, it would have been worse.
Boyesy’s brilliant photos:
