Brightlingsea Regent 0 vs Lewes 4: Winning hard

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote it’s much harder to write a witty match report when you’ve won. Well, by rights this one should be as hilarious as a tax return, because we won at Brightlingsea and won hard.

This game was (checks Oxford Dictionary of Football Cliches) never in doubt. In the opening minute, Joe Taylor had a chance to poke the Rooks ahead, but his tame shot rebounded out to Tom Carlse, who suddenly realised he was a left-back in the opposition penalty area and bundled his shot wide. The lino flagged him offside anyway.

Brightlingsea didn’t heed the warning shot. Right from the get-go, the home side’s only tactic was to launch it long and hope Nelson or Weaire lost the flight of the ball in the sun. It was dismal stuff and they were rightly punished.

The first proper blow was landed on ten minutes. Razz Coleman De-Graft has more tricks than names, and he wriggled into the box down the right-hand side before his cross eventually arrived at the feet of Ollie Tanner, who smacked it home.

Goal two was all about the magic feet of Joe Taylor. When he gets the ball to feet, Joe’s like one of those really annoying kids on FIFA who knows all the special button combos to trick their way past the defence. Well, Joe pressed X, held down RB and LB simultaneously, and flipped the ball out by waggling the thumbstick before putting the ball on a plate for Taylor Maloney, who has developed a very serious habit of arriving in the box at just the right time to accept a tap-in.

At the other end, Lou Carey was doing a crossword. Brightlingsea have a massive net behind the goal to stop stray balls smashing conservatories in the adjoining gardens. They might need to invest in a missile defence system, because there’s not enough netting in the British Isles to prevent the few shots they managed from ending up in Mrs Harris’s vegetable patch.

The only dangers as the players emerged for the second half were sunstroke or complacency. We suffered from neither. Joe Taylor made it three ten minutes into the second period. A minute prior, he had passed up a perfectly respectable shooting chance by trying to pass to a teammate. Big Deaksy, who has been yelling at Taylor to pass more all season, hung his head in shame.

All thoughts of passing were banished a moment later, however, when a long ball from Carey dropped over the heads of the hapless centre-backs and Taylor calmly popped it in the net. It was a photocopy of the second goal against Enfield last week. If Carey’s agent has anything between the ears, he’ll be on the phone to Chairman Stu this morning, demanding an assists bonus.

With the result now beyond all reasonable doubt, one of Brightlingsea’s centre-backs and part-time Roy of the Rovers character Chris Ribchester (yes, seriously) decided he’d had enough. Tanner left him floundering like a whale in a car park with a darting run inside and Ribchester lunged at the winger’s achilles, earning himself a thoroughly deserved red card.

A string of brilliant saves from Brightlingsea stopper Charlie Turner prevented the scoreline becoming an embarrassment, but there was time to add a fourth. A lovely little dummy from Joe Taylor let the ball creep to Maloney again, who notched his second of the game.

Away days don’t come much better than this. Warm September sun, a 4-0 win, a pantomime villain in the opposition defence and a climb to second in the table. Even the pre-match fish and chips were superb, according to Gary The Badge – a man who knows his way around a fish supper.

Long may it continue.

Lewes: Carey, Richards, Carlse, Weaire, Nelson, Coleman De-Graft, Olukoga, Pritchard, Maloney, Tanner, Taylor

Subs: Klass, Parker, Allen, D’Arienzo, Colombie