Last year, only seven of us made the midweek pilgrimage to Canvey Island. And judging by the activity on the Supporters Club Facebook group this week, it’s becoming clear why so few made the trip:

While some fans were sunning themselves in Tenerife, asking bemused locals what time the Lewes game kicks-off, a healthy gaggle made it to equally sun-drenched Canvey, forming an orderly queue at the only cash point on the Island.

Why? Because Canvey Island’s Wi-Fi was apparently on the blink, meaning it was cash only at the gate and the bar.

As one of the Rooks regulars noted:

They must be getting their Wi-Fi from TalkTalk. Either that or the Russian warships passing by the back of the ground are dropping their anchors on the undersea internet cables. Bloody, Putin.

There were communication problems at the refreshment kiosk too.

“Can I have a cheeseburger and chips, please?” I asked, bolstering my chances of a call-up to The Stodgebusters team next season.

“Do you want cheese with that, love?”

“Erm…”

If you’re thinking all of these half-baked anecdotes are merely an excuse to put off talking about the match, you’d be spot on. After three wins on the spin, hopes were high over pre-match pints of Guinness in Canvey’s spacious bar. Even Clive – who’s normally as upbeat as a stubbed toe – declared himself “cautiously optimistic”.

But we stunk the place out. We conceded three headers either directly or indirectly from corners. The fourth was a blunder. And we had a man sent off for good measure.

Let’s never talk of this one again. In fact, I wrapped my match notes in a lead container and asked one of the locals to dispose of them in the sea. A cash-in-hand job, obviously.

Lewes: Bull, Meeres (Jones), Kaiser, Spinks, Ojemen, Warren (Antonio), Muirhead (Ekpiteta), Sablier, Starkey (Hutchinson), Unwin (Ladapo), Bassett.

Supporters Club man of the match: Not being a dick, but nobody stood out. One of those days where everyone had a stinker. Let’s move on.