“Right, what have we got?”

“This is Mr Lewes. A 139-year-old football team from Sussex. Lives with a much younger wife. According to neighbours they’ve been living beyond their means for the past few years, and it’s starting to catch up with them. Money troubles, rows, and their health has started to decline rapidly.”

“Any previous medical history we should be aware of?”

“Well, Mrs Lewes has been recovering recently from an unusual incident of Mercury poisoning.”

Legal notice: The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this match report are fictitious. No identification with actual football investment funds with questionable business practices is intended nor should be inferred.

“What about the male?”

“Relatives say they’ve been on the decline since Christmas. Struggling to get going. Looking agitated. Worries their back end has gone.”

“OK, let’s take a look at the graphs.”

“Hmmm… OK, let’s see if we can get them going again. Give me 40mg of adrenaline, an IV bag and a trip to Cheshunt. That should perk them up.”

15 minutes pass…

“They’re not responding, doctor. We though we saw a couple of flickers of life there for a minute, but they’ve gone flat again. In fact, their immune system is under constant attack. Looks like something has punched through their defences, could be a nasty bout of Orafu.”

“OK, let’s not panic. There’s still plenty of time on our side.”

Doctor lifts Mr Lewes’s eyelids, points bright light into his eyes.

“Hello, Mr Lewes. Can you hear me?”

“Doctor, I think you should look at this. Looks like he’s taken another quick turn for the worse. In fact, there’s evidence of self-harming.”

“OK, this is worse than I thought. Let’s withdraw the Sablier, give me a massive injection of Tamplin and let’s see what effect that has.”

“The patient seems to have stabilised, doctor. Not much spark still, but not declining either. “

“Good. Let’s see if we can start turning things round. Give me 50mg of Gondoh and a side shot of Figueira. We can remove some of the safety equipment and see if we can get him breathing by himself again.”

30 seconds later… Machines start beeping

“We’re losing him! Looks like a massive rush of blood to the head has sparked another setback. I’m, not sure there’s any way back from this, doctor.”

“OK, stand back everybody.”

“No need to put the stand back that far. You could land a plane in that gap.”

“Talking of planes, doctor, I think he’s crashed. A double dose of Nwachuku might have just finished him off.”

“Pronounced dead at 16:45. Thank you, everybody.”

Lewes: Harvey, Elliott, Penney, Ming, Murtagh, Sablier, Olukoga, Lumbombo-Kalala, Oguntayo, Olumwamide, Whelpdale

Subs: Vint, Gondoh, Briscoe, Tamplin, Figueira

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