Hit the play button below before reading the following report:

Inside Sir Alan’s Brentwood Central London headquarters, the candidates for promotion are sent in to the boardroom:

Sir Alan: So what the bleeding hell happened here, then? I give you a simple task to go and get three points off a bunch of unpaid amateurs and you come back ‘ere with one. Tony, you were task leader. What went wrong?

Tony: It was the pitch, Sir Alan. Too much grass. My boys can’t play on anything other than a pristine blanket of plastic.

Sir Alan: Oh, turn it in. You’re not still banging on about the bloody pitch, are you? I’m sick of hearing about it. If you were so bleeding keen on swathes of plastic you should have bought one of my stereos in the 1980s.

Now, what about you, wonderboy on the end? What did you bring to this task?

Ollie: It’s not my fault, Sir Alan. The task leader didn’t involve me until 15 minutes from the end.

Sir Alan: Hmmm… Well, according to my associate, you had one free-kick and you overhit it so badly, the fans in the away end thought you’d sportingly kicked it out for an injury.

Ollie: I don’t think that’s fair, Sir Alan…

Sir Alan: How dare you question my associate! Karren’s knackered more clubs than Nick Faldo. She knows a crap free-kick when she sees one!

Sir Alan: From what my associates tell me, it was Lou Carey you had to thank for saving this task from being a bleeding disaster! I mean, you huffed and puffed a bit in the first half. The new boy, Reece, down the right kept putting in crosses that nobody got on the end of, and there was one decent save from their lad. But if it hadn’t been for Lou brilliantly swatting away a header and making a couple of good stops in the second half, you’d have come back with nothing at all!

And so, it’s for that reason that, Lou, you can go off and enjoy an all-expenses paid trip to Magaluf.

Sir Alan: The rest of you can consider yourselves bloody fortunate you’re still in the process. I wanna see you back here, next week, livened up because I’ve got a proper challenge for you. You need to get three points off Worthing.

Lewes: Carey, Spencer, Weaire, Salmon, Carlse, Klass, Maloney, Pritchard, Coleman De-Graft, Murrell-Williamson, Taylor

Subs: Yao, Hall, Pettit, McLeod, Tanner

Stuart Tree’s brilliant match photos: