Enfield Town 1 vs Lewes 4: Super, smashing, great

It’s a Bullseye! And here’s your host, Jim Bowen.

Let’s go and meet our first contestants. And tonight’s first team have travelled all the way from Lewes in Sussex. How are you doing, boys?

Well, we’ve had a decent season, Jim. Got ourselves in contention for the big prize, looking forward to kicking on.

That’s smashing, fellas. Well, I wish you the best of luck, and let’s get on with the first round, Bully’s Category Board. Ollie, can you choose a category for Michael?

We’ll have free-kicks please, Jim.

Free-kicks it is, lads. Here’s the question. You’ve got a 33rd minute free-kick on the edge of the box at Enfield. How do you convert it?

Erm… Do we slap it into the wall, slice the rebound into Klassy’s path, wait as the keeper saves the first effort and let Klassy tap in the second rebound from close-range?

Spot on, boys. Well done. Now your next category is on defending. Listen carefully. You’ve worked hard to get yourself into a deserved first-half lead on a heavy pitch. How do you keep the lead until half-time?

Tough one that, Jim… Is it by titting around with the ball at the back until we give it away cheaply, resulting in a deep cross into our box being headed in by the massive fella Enfield have got up front, Cunnington?

You’ve let yourself down there, boys, and I can’t offer it as the topic has already gone.

So, here we are at the halfway stage and you’ve got a big decision to make. The £256 Jockey Wilson raised for Lewes’s chosen charity – The Society For Left-Handed Donkeys In The Palestine – that’s safe, the cheque’s going straight in the post after the show. But you’ve got to decide whether you’re willing to gamble that point you’ve got in the bag for a potential three points? You’ve got the time it takes the ref to drink a Lucozade to decide. As always, listen to Tony.

We’re going to gamble, Jim.

They’re going to gamble! The audience are right behind you boys. Take your time.

That’s in the Red & Black! It’s number 2!

That’s Juevan Spencer nipping down the right flank, cutting the ball back to Razz Coleman De-Graft, who fires it into the net from the edge of the box. Well done, boys.

That’s Red & Black again, it’s number 3!

Terrific work, fellas. That’s a lovely passing move, at the end of which Joe Taylor cuts the ball back for Michael Klass, who side foots the ball beautifully past the keeper.

It’s Red & Black again, it’s number 4!

Great darts, boys. This time it’s Ollie Tanner dribbling through the middle, slipping a lovely ball to Joe Taylor, who dinks it over the hapless keeper. Lovely stuff.

Well, you’ve done brilliantly boys, have a look at what you could have won next season. It’s a holiday for 11 to the sunny borough of Eastbourne!

Lewes: Carey, Spencer, Nelson, Salmon, Carlse, Pritchard, Klass, Phipp, Coleman De-Graft, Tanner, Taylor

Subs: Colombie, Weaire, Dalling, Maloney, Allen