Morse: This had better be good, Lewis, dragging me out of bed on a Sunday morning.

Lewis: Sorry, sir, but it seems we’ve got a serious problem in Lewes.

Morse: A serious problem in you, Lewis? How serious and why have you suddenly started talking about yourself in the third person?

Lewis: No, sir, not me. Lewes in Sussex. On reflection, this Lewis/Lewes thing would have worked better as an audio gag rather than on screen, wouldn’t it, sir?

Morse: Yes it would, Lewis. And what have I told you about breaking character, especially this early into a match report skit.

Lewis: Sorry, Sir.

Morse: So what’s this problem in Lewes?

Lewis: They keep getting battered in the cup, sir. By lower league opposition. It’s a pattern going back well over a decade. Witham Town, Phoenix Sports, Sevenoaks, Bedfont Sports, Harefield, now Flackwell Heath. It’s a becoming a concern, sir.

[Lewis slides a thick file over to Morse]

Morse: Looks like there was a nasty incident in Three Bridges a few years back, too.

Lewis: We don’t talk about Three Bridges, sir. Still a very touchy subject with the locals.

Morse: Any witnesses to this latest incident?

Lewis: About 250, sir, 30-40 from Lewes.

Morse: Any kids see it?

Lewis: Well, sir. The regular Youth Wing were mysteriously absent. Perhaps the Young Person’s Railcards don’t work that far out. But there was a new gang of very young minors who saw it all unfold.

Morse: The poor sods. CCTV?

Lewis: None that I can find, sir.

Morse: Just tell me what happened, Lewis.

Lewis: Well, not much. At least not for 80 minutes. There was a lot of huffing and puffing, but the eyewitnesses say it was all about as dangerous as a Kinder Egg. Then it all kicked off, sir. Wide player by the name of Antonio Morgan puts in a delightful cross and this lad, Bernal, arrives to nod it home. Not the greatest performance, but their ball’s in the bag for Monday’s draw and everyone goes home happy.

Morse: And then it all turned sour?

Lewis: Aye, it did. First one of the Lewes defenders gets a rush of blood to the head and decides to surge forward in the final minute. Shots were fired, but way off target. But that’s left a bloody great hole at the back. Flackwell take advantage with a quick counter down the right and before you can say “give the balls a good shake, Deon” it’s all level and they’re looking at a replay on Tuesday night.

Morse: But it didn’t end there?

Lewis: No it did not, sir. The Flackwell lads taste blood. A couple of minutes later they surge forward again and this little fella, Harlem Hale, gets through all on his tod. Not a defender within the same postcode. He lashes it home and the Lewes lads are shell shocked. It’s happened again.

Morse: Well, what am I supposed to do about it? I’m a copper, not Alan bloody Hansen.

Lewis: It’s the chief constable, sir. He wants answers. He’s a Rooks fan.

Lewes: Rogers, Bernal, Gayle, Asiedu, Morgan, Erskine (Burchell), Swainston, Christmas, West (Bennett), Hamouchene, Figueira (Walker, Chadwick)

Unused subs: Clark, Harman

Supporters Club player of the match: Antonio Morgan for providing the only real piece of quality – the cross for the goal – in the entire game.