Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the Lewes life and share our memories of Tony Russell, known to some of you as simply ‘Cool Box Tone’.

Tony joined our parish in 2021 and made an instant impact. He contributed enormously to a period of consistently entertaining success, delivering 20 league wins, year after year after year.

Tony may be best remembered through his disciples, and the joy they brought to The Dripping Pan faithful.

There was Oliver Tanner, a quiet young boy from the mean streets of Bromley, who Tony took under his wing and propelled into a star. We’ll always have Margate away, as one parishioner said to me only yesterday.

There was Joseph Taylor, known to many – and please forgive the unsaintly language – as The Bastard. He was adored by the faithful for his prolific strike rate and his robust attitude to centre-backs.

And then there was Razz Coleman De-Graft, a man with thighs like tree trunks who left defenders in a daze and balls nestling in the top corner with almost sickening regularity.

For bringing these talents to our parish, we are truly grateful.

Tony loved his talents, then, but above all else, he loved the parish match reports. So before we bid our final farewells, let’s take a moment or two to dwell on yesterday’s pilgrimage to the borough of Haringey.

For it was a truly remarkable day in North London. Not for the scoreline, a 4-0 rout with goals inflicted by Whelpdale (twice), Lumbombo-Kalala and Sablier. Not for the fact that it was the fifth league victory in succession, which parish records show is a new record for Tony. No, what made the visit to Haringey truly special for those who made the long trip was the resurrection.

For on the Sabbath, Tony gave us his son, Joseph. He has risen again.

Unfortunately, Joseph had his name added to the good book before he’d even touched the ball, but later contributed a successful pass that history will record as the only player to have a 100% pass completion rate during Tony’s entire tenure. He is truly the chosen one.

And so before we commit the memory of Tony to the great pantheon of Lewes managers past, let us take a moment to pray:

Our father, who art in Isthmian,
Hallowed be thy turf,
When full-time has come,
Three points will be won,
At Margate, as it is in Horsham.
Give us this day our physio bed,
And forgive us our bad passes,
As we abuse those who bad pass against us.
And lead us not into the Conference,
But deliver us from Enfield.
For Vines is the assistant;
The Bastard and the Ollie for ever and ever.
Amen.

And now, as we commit his cool box to its final resting place, let us take a moment to reflect on our own private memories of Tony.

And as we file out, we’ll hear one of Tony’s favourite songs, The Wind Beneath My Wingers.

Rest in peace.

Lewes: Harvey, Ming, Elliott, Penney, Oguntayo, Sablier, Pritchard, Olukoga, Ogunwamide, Lumbombo-Kalala, Whelpdale

Subs: Tamplin, Gondoh, Vines

Supporters Club man of the match: Joe Vines. Not since Jack Walder wore the black-and-red stripes have we ever been so convinced someone was going to get booked despite only being on the pitch for 37 seconds.