This is fast becoming a season of firsts. Our first ever competitive adventure in Europe, of course, and now our first ever game against Hashtag Utd – a club that’s younger than some of my boxer shorts. (I joke, of course. Hashtag are only eight years old. They’re younger than all of my boxer shorts.)
This first meeting wouldn’t have happened at all if there wasn’t a 3G pitch at the Len Salmon Stadium, Hashtag’s borrowed home. Any conventional pitch would have been frozen solid, given it was -2 on my car’s temperature gauge by the time we pulled into Pitsea. And yet, at least 25 Rooks donned their thermals and made the journey to Essex to watch a thoroughly entertaining game.
Indeed, there was a flicker of excitement even before kick-off, when former-Rook-turned-reality-star Tyrique Hyde was spotted warming up in Lewes garb. He didn’t make the teamsheet, but if the social-media frenzy generated by my tweet spotting him in the ground is anything to go by, the club’s money worries are over. Charge a fiver a pop for selfies with Love Island’s best midfielder and we’ll be able to afford to buy Mercury 13.
It didn’t take long for things to heat up on the pitch, either. There were precisely six minutes on the clock when Chris Whelpdale whipped in the opener. Ola did well to get to the byline and cut a ball back for Whelpers, who slammed his shot into the top corner.
Indeed, it was something of the Whelpdale Show for the opening half hour, as our hard-working midfielder peppered the Hashtag goal with chance after chance. It looked like there would only be one winner, which of course is precisely when Hashtag equalised. Arthur Penney got robbed in midfield (Essex, innit) and Hashtag broke free before Camilo Restrepo popped one in the top corner.
Nevermind, because in less time than it takes to eat a Curly Wurly, we were back in front. Kalvin Lumbombo-Kalala has rediscovered his early-season shooting boots, although here he needed a slice of good fortune to claim his tenth goal of the season. His shot from the edge of the box deflected off someone. I note Ronnie Vint is claiming it on the socials, although I’m pretty sure it nicked a defender. Either way, it wrong-footed Hashtag’s YTS goalkeeper and the Rooks were back in front.
The half-time sprint to the tea bar has never been more competitive, with Supporters Club treasurer Al The Spreadsheet finding himself near the front of the queue. Coincidentally, with an election looming tonight for his highly paid role, Al generously decided it was his round. If he’d thrown in a Kit-Kat Chunky, he would have sealed my vote, but it remains an open contest.
The football remained an open contest too, with the lively Hashtag constantly threatening to equalise on the break. Before we get to said equaliser, it has to be said that either Hashtag have some of the driest wits in the business on their terraces, or they have a completely lack of self-awareness.
When one of our lads took a tumble midway through the second half, up went a Hashtag chant of “same old Lewes, always cheating”. Always? We’d never clapped eyes on one another until an hour ago. “He’s one of our own,” is also a bit rich for a club that was formed from a YouTube channel.
Anyway, they definitely had something to sing about on the 76th minute, when the right side of our defence took a breather and allowed them to put in a cross for the unmarked Nathan Smith to bury in the middle.
Our response to their first equaliser was rapid, but I’d barely had time to tweet the bad news before we were back in front again. It was the magic feet of KLK once again, who danced in from the left edge of the box before smashing an unstoppable low shot into the corner of the net. That warmed the cockles.
We saw out the rest of the game unscathed, the players and staff came over for a much appreciated handshake at the end, and all was happy in the frozen wastelands.
Tony said our trip to Belgium in mid-December had galvanised the squad and he wasn’t wrong. We’re now topping the form table and eyeing up the play-off places once more. It’s back to Essex on Saturday for Billericay for those who fancy topping up their frostbite.
Lewes: Harvey, Ming, Elliott, Vint, Oguntayo, Penney, Whelpdale, Sablier, Lumbombo-Kalala, Ogunwamide, Wood
Subs: Tamplin, Gondoh, Olukoga, Moore, Pritchard
Supporters Club man of the match: KLK, who’s back to his defence-teasing, goalscoring best. A flask of hot tea for Tommy Wood too, who ran his studs off.