What is it about poor old Hashtag? Everywhere they go, they’re about as popular as the Prince Andrew theme park (junction 6 of the M4, just past Windsor, great day out for the kids).
When Hashtag were lodging at Bowers & Pitsea, the hosts always used to moan about them. Little grumbles from behind the bar and the burger shed. They don’t seem to be much loved at Aveley either.
Just as we were minding our own business, getting ready for kick-off on the terrace, along stroll four little scrotes with a drum. As our very own Youth Wing regularly point out, “we’re Lewes FC, we don’t need a drum”, and these lads didn’t look familiar. As they walk past us, one of their member is debating whether to stick down our end or head up to the other. “Carry on going, lads,” we urge them.
“We’re Aveley fans,” the foreman of the scrotes tells us. “We’re only here to wind the Hashtag fans up.”
With the little drummer boys off to cause bother down the far end, and packs of Panadol being stashed back in pockets, it doesn’t take long to wind us up. Precisely seven minutes, in fact, before Praise Ogbebor (that’s his name, not an instruction) slots Hashtag into the lead. We’ve got a new lad at left-back, Alex Kpakpe, but he’s been tucked up by the Hashtag forward, who feints to go down the wing (Feint Praise) before cutting inside and jetting a ball past Louis Rogers to give the tenants an early lead.
All’s forgotten just six minutes later, however, when Ryan Bernal bombs down the right-hand side, slips in Bobby Unwin with a cute ball and Unwin strokes the ball flawlessly past Jack Giddens into the bottom corner. We could barely hear ourselves celebrate over the Samba beat coming from the Aveley percussion section.
The lads didn’t have much to drum about for the next 20 minutes. We were well under the cosh, with Evans Kouassi (who repeatedly tore us apart in his Canvey days) causing all kinds of bother down the right, and Louis Rogers keeping his hands warm with a couple of smart saves to keep it level.
So it was somewhat against the run of play when we took the lead on 34 minutes. Kaan Bennett won the ball in midfield and then slipped a delightful ball through for Martell Taylor-Crossdale, who finished every bit as slickly as Unwin did to poke us in front.
The jubilation didn’t last long. Four minutes later, Kouassi pops up in the box to slam home a cross and it’s a Desmond.
By this stage, defending has gone out of fashion harder than Keir Starmer. Both sides are all over the place, but it’s Hashtag looking the more likely. They slam one over from close range, hit the post with another effort, and then miss another sitter. We could easily have gone in for the half-time Kit-Kat four or five goals down. Instead, we take a 3-2 lead. A corner deep into injury time creates a bundle at the near post and Alfie Allen gets there ahead of about eight other players to give us a most welcome, but largely undeserved lead.
Obviously, we need a strong tea and a sit down after a five-goal first half, so off we go to join the small queue for the tea bar. We’re one from the front, when mum-of-the-year in front of us orders 5 (five) portions of cheesy chips, then asks for another empty tray so she can empty a vat of ketchup into it, before proceeding to stack up all six trays and carry them back to her hungry brood, requiring a balancing act worthy of Cirque du Soleil.
We finally get to the front of the queue, the woman behind the hatch shaking her head in despair, before asking: “What do you want, love?”
“Two teas and a Kit-Kat, please. Oh, and eight portions of chips.” It’s a good job she wasn’t holding anything sharp.
The second half was obviously much less eventful than the first, both sides deciding to give defending a crack after all during the half-time break. Alas, we have a minor brain fart midway through the second half when what looked like a poor back pass (you’ll have to wait for Hashtag’s highlights extravaganza for confirmation) set them away down the right again, and Kouassi bagged his second of the afternoon.
Substitute Charlie Walker won’t have slept well last night, reliving the late moment he did everything brilliantly from Bennett’s lovely through ball, chopping the ball away from the defender before then planting his shot into the side netting. But a win would have been generous. Respect the point… and your tenants.
Lewes: Rogers, Bernal, Burchell, Watson, Kpakpe, Allen, Muirhead (Hamouchene), Bennett (Franzen-Jones), Unwin (Walker), Morgan (West), Taylor-Crossdale (Clark)
Supporters Club man of the match: He definitely had quiet moments between the brilliance, but the ball through for Taylor-Crossdale and what could have been a winning assist for Walker hands Kaan Bennett the vino.