(With apologies to Paul Hardcastle and the terrace wag who originally thought of this.)

In 2024, The Women’s National League seemed like just another foreign war, but it wasn’t
It was different in many ways, as so were those that did the fighting
In The Championship, the shirt number of the combat soldier was 26
For Gwalia United, it was 19
Ner, ner, ner, ner, ner, ner 19

Yes, Gwalia’s no. 19 was one stroppy – and very fortunate – soldier. Having been skinned by Paula Howells midway through the second half, she exacted her revenge by cuffing Paula around the head as she ran past. The kind of clip round the ear you might have expected to get from a PE teacher in the mid-1970s.

Boyesy caught the aftermath, if not the actual assault, here.

Still, you can forgive the lino for not seeing it, what with all the players in his line of view, eh?

If the 19 was lucky to still be on the pitch after that, she literally pushed her luck moments later, with another off-the-ball shove on a Rooks player. That second offence was definitely only a yellow, but combined with the earlier blow, she should definitely have been getting first dibs on the Radox in the away dressing room.

Would reducing the visitors to ten players have made much difference? Who knows, as Lewes certainly created enough chances to win this one with all 11 opponents standing. The best of the chances came in the second half, when Howells was the recipient of a lovely cut back to the edge of the box, but she blasted the chance into The Philcox.

The problem isn’t Paula, though. She’s being deployed as an out-and-striker, when anyone who’s watched her for any length of time knows she’s far more effective operating in the hole behind the strikers or even out wide.

The problem is the same as we’ve had for the past couple of seasons: we haven’t found a finisher. In 2022/23 we stumbled across the answer, when Ellie Mason was used an emergency forward in the second half of the season and turned out to be bloody good at it.

Last season, with Mason and the back-up Kraft both gone, we struggled to find the net. Our tendency to ship late goals was blamed for costing us relegation, but we only scored an average of a goal a game in the league last season. Few teams survive a ratio like that.

This season, we’re struggling to hit even those numbers. Two goals from our first five league games, one of which was an own goal, is a worry. We created enough chances to score two or three yesterday, but didn’t convert them.

Now, it’s easy for a dickhead with a keyboard to sit here and say we need a striker. It’s a different matter finding one within your budget. They don’t grow on trees. If they did, we’d be doing so in the allotment over the back.

But we’ve got to find one, someone to get on the end of the chances that the lively Fatuga-Dada, Che Thomas and Paula Howells can and will create. Because after five games – seemingly two against the top teams, one in the middle, and two who are lurking near the bottom with us – we’ve amassed two points, with almost a quarter of the season behind us.

It’s gonna be a fight. And that’s not an invitation for another tear-up, no. 19.

Lewes: Moore, Brant (Adaway), Schreimaier, Glass-Oliver, Godfrey, Thomas, Proctor, Carpenter (Derhun), Fatuga-Dada (Eze), Howells, Harvey

Unused subs: Hunkin, Curran, Connolly-Brame, Gilligan

Supporters Club player of the match: Izzy Glass-Oliver had a combative, steady game at the back and didn’t give their forwards much of a sniff

Boyesy’s brilliant photos: