Lewes 0 vs Hastings Utd 0: Attempted murder

Superintendent Ted Hastings: Read him the charges, DI Arnott.

Detective Inspector Steve Arnott: Yes, sir. Mr Russell, you are charged with the attempted murder of Hastings United on the 29th August 2022. Do you have anything to say at this point?

Tony Russell: No comment.

Superintendent Hastings: No comment? Holy mother of Christ. No comment? We’ve got you banged to rights, Tony. Show him the evidence, Steve.

DI Steve Arnott: I’m showing the suspect exhibit 34A, a match highlights video shot by Your Instant Replay:

Superintendent Hastings: And if that’s not enough for you, we’ve got 1,639 witnesses…

Exhibit 45B supplied by Danny Last, the club’s new Instagram wangler

Tony Russell: No comment.

Superintendent Hastings: C’mon Tony. In some ways, you’ve had a lucky escape. Because if your little plan had come together, you’d be looking at life inside. But your plan didn’t work, did it Tony? Your boys couldn’t quite pull it off. Why don’t you tell us what went wrong?

Tony Russell: No comment.

DI Arnott: Was there something wrong with the marksman, Tony? Our surveillance tells us that you normally rely on a lethal shooter known as ‘The Bastard’? I’m showing the suspect Exhibit 41C.

Tony Russell: No comment.

Superintendent Hastings: But your Bastard wasn’t available until late into the job, was he Tony? And even then, you struggled to get him the ammo he needed, didn’t you?

Tony Russell: No comment.

DI Arnott: It wasn’t just The Bastard having a quiet day, though, was it Tony? We know your crew tried hard, they’d run through brick walls for you. But you came up against a tough outfit. And, it has to be said, some of the, erm, execution left a bit to be desired.

Superintendent Hastings: Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey, Tony. No wonder you’re speechless.

Tony Russell: No comment.

Superintendent Hastings: OK, DI Arnott, it’s clear the suspect’s not going to cough. I’m terminating this interview at 11:55am. Take him back down to the cells to give him time to think. Oh, and Tony…

Tony Russell: Yeah?

Superintendent Hastings: There’s no carpet in them cells, son.

Bbc One Ted Hastings GIF by BBC - Find & Share on GIPHY

Lewes: Carey, Elva-Fountaine, Carlse, Nelson, Salmon, Young, Silva, Skinner, Coleman De-Graft, Murrell-Williamson, Moore

Benchwarmers: Yao, Olukoga, Pritchard, Dalling, Taylor

Supporters Club man of the match: Lew Carey. A couple of arresting saves prevented Hastings robbing all three points.

Boyesy’s brilliant photos: