Judge: Right, let’s get on with this. Clerk, please read out the charges.
Clerk: Yes, m’lud. Lewes FC is hereby charged with loitering without intent, failing to control a football match and a disorderly exit from the FA Challenge Cup, your honour.
Judge: Very well. Mr Watkins, your first witness, please.
Prosecution barrister: The prosecution calls Constable Perry of the Metropolitan Police, your honour. Constable, can you describe what happened on the afternoon of the fourth?
Constable Perry: Well, we arrived at The Dripping Pan, Lewes, at approximately fifteen-hundred hours, expecting a bit of a fight. But, frankly your honour, we didn’t get one.
Our intelligence told us that this gang had strengthened over the summer, that they had recruited a few new members from a Kent mob that had earned themselves something of a reputation. But, truth be told, they barely put a scratch on us.
There was a lot of very pretty possession, tossing the ball from side to side, but they were about as dangerous as a Fisher Price goldfish.
Prosecution barrister: And how did you and your fellow officers deal with the defendants, Constable Perry?
Constable Perry: Well, we just cut through them, sir. Our Tactical Offence Unit decided to breach their lines down the right-hand flank at around 3:19pm, but they put up no resistance.
So, we decided to repeat the maneuver approximately ten minutes later, and once again we found that our officers were allowed to go about their business unharmed. It was a walk in the park, to be honest.
Judge: What about the defence?
Constable Perry: We didn’t notice a defence, your honour.
Judge: No, Constable, I meant do the defence have anything to say for themselves?
Defence barrister: The defence rests, your honour.
Judge: The defence rests? But you haven’t put up any kind of defence at all!
Defence barrister: Well, no change there then, eh?
[Laughter in court, judge glares from the bench]
Defence barrister: Apologies, your honour. My clients would like to point out that they did attempt to regain some control for a short while at around 4:25pm. Indeed, a deliberate trip by one of the officers on a Mr Iffy Allen resulted in a fixed penalty notice that was served by Mr Joseph Taylor. The defence has video evidence of the attack, which I’ll show now with your honour’s permission.
Judge: Is that it, Mr Harman?
Defence barrister: I’m afraid so, your honour.
Judge: I see. Well, you leave me no option but to find Lewes FC guilty as charged. You are sentenced to a visit to HMP Brightlingsea on Saturday 18th September and you’re exceedingly fortunate that I’m not sending you to HMP Whitehawk with previous offenders. Take them down.