Lewes 1 vs Trotters Bar 5: The Christmas special

Let’s face it, nobody wants to relive this game in fine detail. So, in the spirit of the season, here’s how the game unfolded via the medium of Only Fools & Horses Christmas specials.

Genius tactics before the game had even begun

It was very clever of our visitors to dazzle the Rooks by turning up in a kit based on the bright yellow paint that Del Boy uses to redecorate the Chinese takeaway.

Lewes 0 vs Potters Bar 1 (Joyce-Dwarika, 7)

Lewes are caught napping, as a free-kick is shuffled down the left-hand side and a cross-shot ends up in the back of the net.

They’ve got a free-kick on the left. Now brace yourself, Rodney. Brace yourself.

Lewes 0 vs Potters Bar 2 (Joyce-Dwarika, 27)

A cleverly worked corner routine leaves the Rooks defence baffled, as Joyce-Dwarika doubles the lead with a shot from the edge of the box.

What is that funny noise? It sounds like it’s coming from over there, in the corner.

Lewes 0 vs Potters Bar 3 (Esan, 41)

A Potters Bar counter-attack finds the Lewes back line AWOL, as Boachie is allowed to run free down the left and square for the unmarked Esan to finish.

Is that our defence I can hear coming, Rodney?


I said, is that our defence I can hear coming?



Yeah. We ain’t got a defence.

Lewes 1 vs Potters Bar 3 (Maloney, 46)

Lewes come out for the second half all guns blazing, as a neat run down the left from Tom Carlse sees the ball squared to Taylor Maloney, who slots a low shot home.

What have I always told you, Rodney? This time next year, we’ll be National League!

Ollie Tanner is sent off (67)

After getting brought down and then rugby tackled, Ollie Tanner is sent off for aiming a kick at his opponent.

Ollie, give me that ball!

Ruud Gullit? Nowhere

You, you’re dismissed.

I couldn’t help it!

You can tell me all about it in the changing rooms.

Lewes 1 vs Potters Bar 4 (Esan, 80)

The Potters Bar attack work the ball from side to side, before Esan plants a fierce shot into the back of the net to kill the game.


Lewes 1 vs Potters Bar 5 (Boachie, 83)

A rampant Potters Bar cut our defence open once more, as a break down the right sees the ball centred to the unmarked Boachie, who fires home for five.

I looked at him, he looked at me, and we just stood there looking at each other. When suddenly he went…

GOOOAALLLLLL! I did a very childish thing. I wet myself.

It’s alright, Unc. Anyone would have done the same. Just look at the state of the toilets at the back of the Philcox….

Lewes: Carey, Colombie, Nelson, Salmon, Carlse, Pritchard, Klass, Maloney, Tanner, Allen, Taylor

Subs: Gillela, Weaire, Olukoga, Parker, Hall

Video highlights: