First, let’s get one thing absolutely straight: these ‘Hornchurch’ lads are pulling a fast one.

I’m from Upminster. Hornchurch FC is in Upminster. Not Hornchurch, Upminster. That FA Trophy they won they last season? Upminster’s.

They’re robbing my heritage in plain sight. Look at their website:

This is my Northern Ireland. I’m not letting it go.

But you’re not here for Essex geopolitics (if you’re still here at all). You’re here to find out what happened when Upminster turned up at The Pan… Erm… Shall we go back to the Essex in-fighting?

The game could have had a very different complexion had Taylor Maloney converted an incredibly presentable chance in the first couple of minutes. Alas, his shot merely wafted into the gloves of Upminster keeper and 90s tribute act, Joe Wright.

There followed five minutes of carnage that ultimately cost us the game.

First, Mitchell Nelson let a ball waltz past him, straight into the path of Sam Higgins, who is very bloody partial to a goal. He accepted the gift to put Upminster up within five.

If the first goal was careless, the second was a car crash. Olukoga headed a long ball back towards his own defence and Matt Weaire seemed to hear a call to leave it, ducking out of the way of a simple headed clearance. Perhaps it was a cheeky ‘leave it’ call from Liam Nash (‘Hornchurch’ not renowned for their honesty, remember), because he collected the ball on the edge of the box and stroked it past the stranded Lou Carey for Upminster’s second on the ten-minute mark.

Lewes could have crumbled at this point, but they stuck at it. Ollie Tanner was giving his full-back a torrid time down the left, but despite working his way to the byline on several occasions, he could never quite find the lurking Joe Taylor. The best chances of the half fell again to Maloney, but the clinical finishing that has marked his early weeks at the club deserted him.

The third goal finished the contest. Jili Buyabu was having a cracking game at left-back and he romped forward past Kyron Richards before slapping a powerful effort across the goal. Lou Carey got a hand to it, but the power took it past him and that was that.

A triple Lewes substitution promptly followed and Freddie Parker made a nuisance of himself in the latter stages, eventually cutting a neat ball inside for Joe Taylor to take his customary goal in the 89th minute.

And so the Essex fraudsters took the points, ending our three-game winning streak. If they go on to win the league, they had better put one hell of a lock on their trophy cabinet.

Lewes: Carey, Richards, Carlse, Weaire, Nelson, Coleman De-Graft, Olukoga, Pritchard, Maloney, Tanner, Taylor

Subs: Klass, Parker, Allen, D’Arienzo, Colombie

Video highlights:

Boyesy’s brilliant pics: