Folks, let me just say, it is a tremendous honor — believe me, tremendous — to accept this incredible nomination as the 31st President of Lewes FC. When I look back at all the greats that have served as president of this world-leading club over the years – Pele, Bobby Moore, some guy called Parris… Is that Paris Hilton? I know her dad. Great guy. Crummy hotels.

I told Coach Pitts the other day, “You’d better start stocking up on pills, Coach, because you’re gonna get sick of all the winning”. He said he’s been a little worried about the Department of Defense recently. I told him to relax, because I’m the best defender you’ve ever seen. Believe me. I’ve only faced one shot on target all season.

We had a huge, gigantic win over Horsham—absolutely massive. So many touchdowns, I’ve lost count. Of course, those sad little losers in black refused to validate my clear, resounding victory and deny the will of the Lewes people. But we all know we scored more goals than this club has even seen before – huge numbers – and it won’t be long before we’re winning the Isthmian World Series.

I see DISHONEST Horsham tried to beat us with our own guys… Crooked Carey, Jake the Snake, Ola Ogunwa-cheaty. They even tried to get Horrible Hammo to score a touchdown from the penalty line. Bad people, folks, very bad.

And did you see the crowds? Biggest crowds in the history of English soccerball—1.2 million, maybe 1.3, who knows? They say the line for the bar was the longest they’ve ever seen it. Longer than Boxing Day and that stretched back ten miles.

Some people tell me they’re worried about the state of the economy, that the money’s running dry. But we have a plan – an incredible plan – to turn Lewes into an economic powerhouse the likes of which we’ve never seen before. We just need 15,000 fans to hand over their life savings and everything will be fine. And we’re going to impose tariffs on Harvey’s. Those guys have been getting away with it for too long…

So our next stop — wait till you hear this — Whitehawk. Beautiful place by the coast, terrific owners, really great people. We’re gonna keep winning and winning until everyone’s so tired of winning, they won’t know what to do. Folks, we’re going to MAKE LEWES GREAT AGAIN!

Community notes: Actual score Lewes 0 vs Horsham 2

Lewes: Bull, Warren (Morris), Spinks, Kaiser (Puemo), Ojemen (Jones), Allen (Antonio), Sablier, Finney, Ladapo (Jalloh), Ekpiteta, Bassett

Supporters Club man of the match: It could have been worse if it wasn’t for Toby Bull, but a game where nobody really stood out

Video highlights from Your Instant Replay: