Lewes 2 vs Bognor Regis Town 0: All’s Not Quiet On New Year’s Day

Previously, on Lewes FC: Clubbed To Death, the smash hit sports documentary now showing on Netflix:

The faintly disastrous 2019/20 season was cut short by a global pandemic:

The even more dismal 2020/21 season was cut even shorter by a global pandemic:

And the much improved 2021/22 season…

…is somehow still going despite more positive tests than you get at the clap clinic after the post-season trips to Magaluf.

Still, you don’t come here for half-arsed Covid-19 analysis. You go to the Daily Mail for that and, frankly, they pay a lot better than this gig does.

No, you come here for half-arsed analysis of the football and that’s precisely what you’re going to get.

Amazingly, despite being in the same division for the past three years, this was the first time we’d played Bognor since the 2018/19 season, the Black Death putting pay to several previous fixtures. (Correction: Turns out that is utter cock, and we played them just before lockdown in February 2020. Thanks to Mr Chairman for putting me straight.)

That might go some way to explaining why an incredible 1,416 turned up for this one, providing Lewes’s inaugural super-spreader event of 2022, another first for the club.

Another reason why so many turned up is that Cool Box Tone has got these boys playing superb football again and that was all too evident in the first half against our Sussex rivals.

We really should have been two or three up by half-time, but instead it was only one, scored right at the death of the half (maybe ease up on the death references, eh? – Ed.)

Several presentable chances had gone begging before we took the lead. Razz Coleman De-Graft fired nothing but thin air after a Joe Taylor dummy left the goal begging from six yards out; Taylor Maloney rounded the keeper but trickled a shot just wide of the far stick; and a terrific Bognor block prevented Joe Taylor from capitalising on a Bognor clearance cock-up shortly before we took the lead.

When we did get our noses in front, it was done in superb style. Taylor cushioned a ball into the path of Razz, who launched one from 25 yards which slotted perfectly into the top corner of the goal to give the Rooks the half-time lead they deserved.

That’s not to say Bognor posed no threat at all. Only a stunning save from Carey prevented ex-Rook Jordy Mongoy firing one into the top corner himself shortly before Razz’s stunner, but it was their only decent chance of the half.

It was much the same story in the second half – Rooks dominating, Rocks clinging on. It looked like the game would be all over when Bognor’s Charlie Bell got sent off just after the hour mark, when he hauled down Taylor Maloney on the edge of the box to collect his second yellow card.

However, if anything, that seemed to unsettle the Rooks and it was Bognor who arguably looked more dangerous for the remainder of the match, not least when another former Rook, Kayne Diedrick-Roberts, clattered Carey’s bar with a long-range dipping effort.

Again, we waited for the end of the half to settle it. Joe Taylor had uncharacteristically missed a very scoreable one-on-one with the keeper right at the death (FFS, stop itEd.), prompting Cool Box Tone to send on a scribbled note for his striker, which we can exclusively reveal here:

The Bastard took heed and immediately collapsed like a deck chair under a clumsy challenge from Joe Dandy on the byline, handing His Bastardness a chance to put the game to bed from the spot. You don’t need me to tell you what happened next:

A fine start to 2022, finished with a fantastic fireworks display from Roger at the Terry Parris End.

What could possibly go wrong now?

Lewes: Carey, Spencer, Nelson, Salmon, Carlse, Maloney, Pritchard, Klass, Allen, Coleman De-Graft, Taylor

Subs: Colombie, Weaire, Olukoga, Dalling, Parker

Video highlights:

Boyesy’s brilliant photos:

Lewes 2 Bognor Regis 0 01 01 22-2.jpg