With thanks to Dave Lamb for the inspiration; with apologies to anyone under 40 who won’t have the first clue what any of this is about.

Lewes get off to a flyer, when before the froth has settled on most fans’ pints, Razz Coleman De-Graft gives us a second-minute lead with a trademark curling effort:

And there’s pandemonium in the stands ten minutes later, when the Bognor defender makes a big booby and there’s a Bastard on hand to apply the finish:

The goals are flowing like fine French wine, and only five minutes later Bognor get one back, as Tom Chalaye has time to turn and shoot on the edge of the box while our defence are watching:

Still, the Rooks put the setback behind them and dominate the rest of the half, with Renee particularly impressive down the right:

The Bastard has a great chance to make it 3-1 midway through the half, but he’s thwarted by a young, blonde keeper:

We’re dealt a nasty blow midway through the half when Hyde hobbles off injured and Tony’s forced to call for reinforcements:

And an even worse blow at the start of the second half, when the Gestapo decides to award a penalty for Bognor’s striker kicking Will Salmon. A penalty to Bognor, that is…

And so, for the second FA Trophy tie on the spin, we draw 2-2 and the game goes straight to penalties. Both sides score their first two spot-kicks, and Bognor take the lead with their third. Up steps Mitchell Nelson:

“Listen very carefully, I shall take this only once.”

Nelson’s first penalty is saved, but the young keeper is off his line and Nelson gets a second go.

“Do not be alermed. I shall be pissing this into the net.“

Bognor score their fourth, Elva-Fountaine’s final kick is also saved and it’s Goodbye, Goodbye to the Trophy for another season.

You have been watching: Carey, Renee, Mascoll, Salmon, Champion, Young, Hyde, Skinner, Addy, Coleman De-Graft, Taylor

Extras: Nelson, Elva-Fountaine, Olukoga, Hall

Supporters Club man of the match: Strong performances from Razz, Hyde and Olukoga, but it has to go to Bognor’s brilliant young keeper, Toby Steward. A couple of great saves in the game, and three in the spot-kicks, even if only two were legit.

Video highlights:

Boyesy’s brilliant photos: