Lewes 2 vs Bowers & Pitsea 2: Desmonds

This is the weirdest Lewes side in living memory. Honestly, they’re practically indescribable. They’ve drawn 2-2 six times this season already. That has to be some sort of record, and we’re not even in December.

Sublime one minute, shocking the next, we are the very epitome of inconsistency. And that means you can paint the stats to look as good or as bad as you like, depending on whether you’re paid to pimp the club’s social media or raging on the forums.

Good Lewes

  • Unbeaten at home all season in the league
  • Conceded fewer goals than the league leaders
  • Two wins, two draws and a defeat against the top five

Bad Lewes

  • Averaging just over one win per month since the start of the season
  • Conceded more goals than Bishop’s Stortford and Hastings combined
  • Three draws and one defeat against the bottom four

This game was the ultimate showcase of Bad Lewes/Good Lewes.

The first half was dismal, as limp as the lettuce inside a Big Mac. We looked like we were suffering a hangover from the final ten minutes at Potters Bar in the week, meekly surrendering to a competent but unspectacular Bowers.

Both of their goals were well taken, to give credit to the visitors, but the scorers were given more freedom than tinpot Nazis on Musk’s Twitter (topical line for the kids).

The first came from a free-kick after eight minutes. The big Bola Dawodu wasn’t only allowed to win the header in the box, but to win the second ball too, which he neatly flicked to the unmarked Oluwasemo at the back post for a tap-in.

The second was even worse. Gibson was given enough time to complete a philosophy degree down the left-hand side, before he put in a wicked cross that the completely unmarked Dawodu headed past Carey.

What do you mean you’re not a member of the Supporters Club? It’s free!

At the other end? Next to sweet FA. The closest we came was a Tom Champion (unusually deployed in midfield) shot that scraped past the post.

To everyone’s relief, it was Good Lewes that emerged for the second half. Jamie Mascoll replaced Marcel Elva-Fountaine, energy replaced lethargy, and optimism rippled through the Philcox.

Olukoga set the tone. He was all bustle at the start of the second half, and when a Joe Taylor pass squirted through to the midfielder, he let fly from about 20 yards out to pull one back after only seven minutes of the second half.

It was the full Alomo treatment after that, with Lewes creating so many chances that I needed physio treatment for RSI in my Twitter commentary thumbs. I’m recovering well, thanks for asking.

Try as we might, we couldn’t force a second, and it looked like being the first home defeat until we scrambled a 90th minute equaliser, which owed an awful lot to The Bastard’s Shithousery.

Taylor had become involved in an ongoing wrestling match with Sideshow Bob Jnr, aka Bower’s midfielder Oscar Shelvey. The pair were constantly wrestling in the six-yard box during a succession of Rooks corners, making each one something of an early pantomime.

So, when Jamie Mascoll shaped up to deliver his final corner in the 90th minute, the Bowers defenders were more concerned with manhandling The Bastard than watching the ball. Mascoll’s whipped ball curved towards goal in the wind, and despite desperate efforts to hoof it off the line, it curled straight into the goal.

A point gained or two dropped? Given Bower’s league position (19th) and the fact they’d only taken a single point on the road all season, it’s inarguably the latter, even if it felt more like a win in the end…

Lewes: Carey, Elva-Fountaine, Renee, Salmon, Champion, Young, Olukoga, Skinner, Addy, Coleman De-Graft, Taylor

Subs: Nelson, Hall, Mascoll, Pritchard, Moore

Supporters club man of the match: Ayo Olukoga, for his brilliant goal and energy. Full deserved his, erm, onions.

Video highlights: