Good morning everybody and thank you for joining us for our latest press conference in regards to our Points Booster programme. For the latest update on our world-beating progress against the Brightlingsea variant, I’m joined by Professor Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Vallance.
And I’m delighted to be able to report that there’s been a very early breakthrough! Yes, it’s taken us just three minutes to pop their balloon, to shove a banana up their exhaust pipe, to punctiliously perforate their defence. And I’m pleased to report the goalscorer is Joe Taylor, a good old British striker, which goes to show the benefits of Brexit just keep coming.
And what’s that I hear, Patrick? Yes! Great gadzooks, there’s been a second goal! And it’s the pioneering, never-say-die, fight-them-on-the-beaches, Great British spirit of Joe Taylor that’s whiff-whaffed the ball in to the old onion bag again!
Well, this is all going swimmingly. A decisive victory against a weak variant inside 12 minutes. Time for everyone to kick back, open the wine fridge and join a work-related, socially-distanced meeting in the Downing St garden, I say!
What’s that? Oh, questions from the media. OK, if we must. Laura Kuenssberg from the BBC.
Prime Minister, there are breaking reports of a resurgence in the Brightlingsea variant, which I’m being told has made something of a comeback in the 30th minute. Are you able to comment on those reports?
Thank you, Laura. I’m afraid I’m going to have to defer your question to the Secretary of State for Defence… just as soon as I appoint one. In the meantime, perhaps Chris can show you the progress we’ve been making with the slides.
Thank you, Prime Minister. As you can see clearly from the charts, we’ve been extremely successful with our campaign to get booster shots on goal.
I stress we’re not out of the woods yet and we still need everyone to show diligence, but I think we can have a degree of confidence that our booster shots are working.
Thanks, Chris. As you can see, we’ve put more shots on to more goals than any team in the world, and I’m supremely confident that the second half is going to feel much more like life as normal than the first. Who’s next? Ah, Robert Peston from ITV News.
Prime Minister, I’m told by sources within The Dripping Pan that the team has carelessly conceded a penalty in the 80th minute and that all of our progress against the Brightlingsea variant has been completely wiped out because we failed to lockdown early enough? Are you able to comment on those reports?
Obviously, Robert, I take full responsibility for everything this team does. But let me just say this – if we’d listened to Captain Hindsight when we launched our ambitious, three-year levelling up programme in 2017, we wouldn’t have more owners than Barcelona, the women wouldn’t be stuck in the Championship, the men wouldn’t be marooned in the Isthmian League, and we’d still be reliant on rich donors to keep the club afloat.
But Prime Minister, you’re now five years into your three-year programme, you’ve got less than 2% of Barcelona’s ownership, neither team has been promoted, and aren’t you changing the club rules to let the rich donors stay for longer than was previously allowed?
That’s quite enough questions for today. Thanks everybody.
Lewes: Carey, Spencer, Nelson, Salmon, Carlse, Klass, Phipp, Allen, Coleman De-Graft, Tanner, Taylor
Subs: Yao, Hall, Pettit, Gillies, Dalling
Boyesy’s brilliant photos: