In a week in which one of our relegation rivals publicly begged to be demoted, up roll bottom-of-the-lot Canvey Island, fresh from a 3-1 defeat against the side that actually wants to go down. What could possibly go wrong now?
Well, things didn’t get off to a great start in the commentary box, primarily because the dickhead responsible for bringing the equipment (ie. me) forgot to bring the mic, which any half-decent commentator will tell you is a relatively important part of the kit.
The Boardakabin was a maelstrom of self-recrimination and despair, until the reigning, undisputed Tea Boy of the Year, Paul, rustled deep in his bag and said: “Will this do?”, producing one of those call-centre-like headsets that have a mic attached. Reader, I almost kissed him. Almost.
While we’re talking all things hospitality, if you walked past the Boardakabin yesterday you may have noticed that the paint on the door is peeling so badly, it now looks like a Banksy artwork, the kind of piece that would fetch a fortune in a Sotheby’s auction. This time next year, Rodney…
Talking of wheeler dealers, Pitts had had another busy week down at the transfer market, bringing in an almost entirely new back four, including the welcome return of left-back Jack Enkh, last seen hobbling off a pitch at Dartford with leg knack over a year ago. Charlie Paye and Jackson King were the other new faces in the starting line-up, with Nikolai Krokhin another new boy on the bench, bringing our tally of players used in this campaign to 47. We’re crowdfunding a new printer for the registration forms.
If Pitts hoped that rebooting that back four for the umpteenth time this season would pay immediate dividends, he couldn’t have been wronger.
Canvey took an early lead when they launched a counter-attack down our right-hand side and pinged the ball to the back stick, where the massive Duane Ofori-Acheampong popped the ball into an unguarded net. The big lad made it two about ten minutes later, cheekily flicking in a free-kick that was whipped in from the left. Ofori-Acheampong had scored once in his previous nine appearances for Canvey, Here he bagged two before half-time.
Still, panic not, because the referee was about to intervene. Mr Austin had spent the previous half an hour booking everything that breathed, dishing out no fewer than six yellow cards in a game with barely a bad tackle. Then someone (Bassett?) walloped a ball from close range at a defender, who blocked it with his arm. The referee immediately gave the international hand gesture for no penalty, before instantly overruling himself and awarding a spot-kick, and booking the poor sod who conceded it. It’s amazing the referee didn’t book himself for dissent.
Alas, Danny Bassett decided to inspect the gift horse’s fillings, fluffing a weak shot that the keeper cleared with his feet and leaving us 2-0 down at half-time.
Pitts rang the changes during the break, hooking Watson and Tyler-Law and bringing on Booth and this season’s 32nd centre-back, Nikolai Krokhin, who looked like a Serbian hit man from a Jason Statham film. “I wouldn’t like to meet him down a dark alley,” said Young Rob. Screw that. I wouldn’t like to meet him down an alley illuminated by Wembley’s floodlights, with half the Sussex Constabulary behind me for back up. He’s a beast and we love him already. Never let him go.
Krokhin The Barbrian clearly got into the heads of the opposition too, because their equally massive centre-back Kenedi Dariri seemed to lose control of his bottom half, letting his shorts sag down and exposing his underwear to a packed Philcox end.
“We can see your spotty pants,” chanted the Youth Wing, before Dariri finally realised his arse was hanging out like a teenager on the Tube and made himself respectable.
Lewes finally made the score respectable, too. Charlie Walker – having already missed two or three presentable chances – shaped to shoot a very optimistic effort from the edge of the box. “NNOOOOO!” shouted me and half-a-dozen others around me, as he let fly with an Exocet that looped over the keeper into the goal. I’m available for coaching work.
The equaliser came as the clock ticked past 90 minutes, with a shot from the edge of the box dinking off the bar and sub Alex Kpakpe getting his bonce to it first, the ball just about creeping over the line, although it took the lino and referee an agonising few seconds to confirm it.
Chaos from start to finish, but would you have it any other way?
Lewes: Rogers, King (Roberts), Paye, Watson (Krokhin), Enkh (Kpakpe), Christian-Law (Booth), Allen, West, Unwin, Bassett, Walker
Unused sub: Bernal
Supporters Club man of the match: From what we understand, he’s not kicked a first-team ball since that injury at Dartford. If so, Jack Enkh’s return was nothing short of magnificent, head-and-shoulders better than any player on the field for the hour or so he lasted.