Sit down, Catherine. I’ve got some news and you’re not going to like it. I need you to forget about nicking Tommy Lee Royce. Something’s come up.

In the words of Hilda Ogden: come again, sir? In case you’ve forgotten, that animal as good as killed my daughter, kidnapped Anne Gallagher, almost battered me to death and he’s hunting down our Ryan. What’s so bloody important that it trumps that lot?

There’s a serial killer on the loose who makes Tommy Lee Royce look like Lorraine Kelly. He’s a monster, Catherine. He’s struck seven times in a row down South.

Who is he?

Joseph Fitzwilliam Taylor. Known on the streets as ‘The Bastard’, and it’s not an undeserved nickname, Catherine. This sod’s lethal. In January alone, he attacked some Casuals and ripped into some Wanderers. He even tore apart the Bishops!

He sounds like a right charmer. And you say he’s struck again?

Just this afternoon. Made a South London mob pay the penalty, if you know what I mean…

Any known accomplices?

Works with a gang out of Lewes in East Sussex. The kingpin’s some fella who’s moved into the area from Kent, goes by the name of Cool Box. He’s got a handy bunch of lads working for him: they’ve all got more form than Red Rum, and they’re cocky with it. Keep posing in front of our surveillance cameras.

Marvellous. Well, I’m going to need a few bodies from uniform, a dog unit and some of those hard-bastard stewards who keep making little kids stand with their parents.

You got it. Oh, and Catherine. Watch your back. They love him down there.

Lewes: Carey, Renee, Salmon, Champion, Mascoll, Young, Pritchard, Hyde, Gondoh, Moore, Taylor

Subs: Tamplin, Hall, Walker, Olukoga, Murrell-Williamson

Supporters Club man of the match: Although The Bastard gave it plenty, The Great Gondoh just edged it.

Boyesy’s brilliant photos:

Match highlights from Your Instant Replay: