Lewes 5 vs Wingate & Finchley 0: The pie’s the limit

We’ll cut to a sensational night of football shortly, but first the bad news: Lewes is in the grip of pieflation.

Word started spreading around the terraces just before kick-off that the price of pie & mash at The Pan had shot up by 50p, an 8% increase in the cost of stuffing your face. The bloody Tories.

The blow was partly softened by the fact that the club has now thrown peas into the deal, handy for those of us who are five short of our five-a-day at the best of times. However, it wasn’t enough to mollify one loyal fan, who threw his pies out of his pram:

Doubts over the quality of the pies were soon countered by no lesser authority than Adam Haddington, a history teacher with a penchant for puff pastry, who said his pie was up there with his forthcoming wedding night and the birth of the child he’s yet to father.

To summarise, here’s the verdict on last night’s catering, in the form of a pie chart:

You want to talk about the football? Gotcha.

The first half was an absolute riot. Three goals of outstanding quality and a penalty from The Bastard. It was the most complete half of football since we took Margate apart at their place last season.

Deon Moore got the ball rolling. A tremendous cross-field ball from Hyde found Deon lurking on the left of the box. He breezed past his man and planted a crisp shot across the keeper to give us a 12th minute lead.

Wingate may argue that the penalty and subsequent red card on the half hour killed the game, but it didn’t. We were battering them before it, and we battered them after it. At the time I thought the penalty was soft, but having seen the replay the ref got it right. The Bastard was tugged down on the six-yard-box, just as he was about to put the ball into an empty net, and you don’t do that to The Bastard. An early chug on the Radox for Wingate’s big number five and a penalty converted to give Joe goal number 25 of the season.

Joe added 26 a while later, but before that a long prod forward by Renee was shouldered by Moore into the path of The Great Gondoh, who slotted a lovely shot beneath the keeper. He busted out the dance moves to celebrate.

The Bastard’s 26th of the season was a very decent goal, too. Hyde slipped through a ball that was so inviting it came with its own RSVP, and Joe tucked it under the keeper to make it four before the break. He’s scored in six games on the spin now, which could be a new club record, according to Kev The Stat.

The second half was a training exercise, played at a tempo slower than Now That’s What I Call Lounge Jazz. Hyde and Salmon were hooked at half-time, replaced by the impressive Scott and Ayo Olukoga. However, it was another late sub, Reece Murrell-Williamson, who scored the goal of the game in injury time.

Having carefully studied the Razz Guide To Thunderbastards, RMW skipped inside his man on the right wing, and leathered a left-footer into the top corner to make it five. The cheeky sods even had time to stop in front of Boyesy’s lens for a team photo.

But where’s The Great Gondoh? Ah, he’s over there, getting a hug for a goal he didn’t score.

A very good night’s work at The Pan, then, and confirmation of what we all knew: when this team is on song, they’re unstoppable – better than any side in the division. The question is whether we can win ugly and nick enough points to make a play-off challenge when we’re not in great nick.

Still, let’s worry about that when Saturday comes. For the time being, and unlike Deaksy’s pie, it’s all gravy.

Lewes: Carey, Renee, Salmon, Champion, Mascoll, Young, Pritchard, Hyde, Moore, Gondoh, Taylor

Subs: Tamplin, Scott, Olukoga, Walker, Murrell-Williamson

Supporters Club man of the match: Controversial choice, as he was hooked at half-time, but we’re going for Tyrique Hyde. He bossed the middle for 45 minutes and had two sensational assists that set us well on our way. Alfie Young a close second.

Video highlights from Your Instant Replay: