Margate 2 vs Lewes 0: Simply splendid

It’s ‘pack the sandwiches, mother’ and don’t forget the tanning lotion, as the brave boys from Lewes head to the seaside for a contest of Association Football in the charming seaside town of Margate.

The air is abuzz as supporters flock to the coast, and it looks like they’ve brought the fine November weather with them! There’s the Stodgebusters, integrating with some of the local women folk. Better hurry to the ground now, old chaps, there’s a match on don’t you know?

And here come the Rooks of Lewes! Clad in their traditional red and black, the Lewes FC team steps onto Margate turf with a confident air, their eyes set on victory. Captain Ronald Vint there with a firm handshake with his opposite number and it’s chocs away!

It’s the Rooks of Lewes who are pressing hard from the off. Young Archibald Tamplin has a fierce strike saved by the goal warden, and then Lance Corporal Moore of the Guyana National Guard has a howitzer fired just over the bar.

It’s thrilling stuff, but what’s this? Why it’s Margate’s Tyrone Sterling wandering unaccompanied into the Rooks’ box. Seems a tad reckless, what with a corner being taken and all. And who’d have thought it? It’s the boys in blue from Margate who’ve headed themselves into the lead.

There’s much for the manager to chew over during his half-time cup of tea.

Still, no need to fear, with fully 45 minutes remaining for the plucky Rooks of Sussex to rescue all three points and return as the conquering heroes.

Alas, it’s more glum tidings for the fans who’ve made the long journey by rail or automobile, as Harrison Hatful (no we’ve genuinely not made that name up) saunters down the right and whips over a fine cross for Greenhalgh of the fourth Margate Grenadiers to put the home side two to the good.

But what’s this? Late hope for the visiting faithful as Ogunwamide cuts a fine dash into the home team’s box and is tripped by a defender, surely provoking the official – Mr Thomas Homer of, erm, Margate – to award a penalty kick. No! It’s a caution for Murtagh for cheeky-chappy back-chat instead.

Still, it’s been a fine effort from the Rooks of Sussex, and it’s isn’t a delight to see so many of the club’s board members take a couple of hours off from the Mercury 13 counting house to come and console the lads at the seaside?

Director: Are you sure they’re Lewes FC board members, Charles?

Charles: Maybe not, sir

Director: What none of them?

Charles: No, sir

Director: Not even the ever-present, who-needs-a-match-report-when-you-can-see-it-with-your-own-eyes ex-directors?

Charles: No, sir

Director: Ah.

LEWES: Harvey, Elliott, Hughes, Tamplin, Vint, Penney, Wood, Whelpdale, Moore, Pritchard, Lumbombo-Kalala

Subs: Egan, Murtagh, Ogunwamide, Dalling, Salmon

Supporters Club man of the match: Tough one, but Arthur Penney was probably the pick of the crop, mopping up a lot of stuff at the base of midfield