Jeff Stelling: Good afternoon and welcome to the very first episode of Isthmian Soccer Saturday, covering the leagues that most people can’t spell. And we’ve got a corker of a featured match this afternoon, as Lewes pay a visit to Potters Bar. I’ll be joined in the studio by some of your old favourites and Matt Le Tissier, so let’s crack on.

Merse, what do you make of Lewes’s chances this afternoon?

Paul Merson: I think they’ve got every chance, Jeff. Obviously losing their top scorer six minutes before the season started was a kick in the nuts, but they’ve made some good signings and started the season very brightly, with two wins from two. Potters Bar have shipped seven in two games and look about as solid as my guts after a Lamb Bhuna, so I’m going for The Rooks, Jeff.

Jeff: Well, let’s head over to our pitchside reporter, Chris Kamara, for our first update from The Lantern Stadium. What’s going on, Kammy?

Chris Kamara: It’s like The Alamo out there, Jeff. Potters Bar mean business. They’ve had four shots on goal in the opening ten minutes. If they had someone who could finish, the Lewes supporters would be off round the M25 already. But it’s 0-0, Jeff.

Jeff: We’re coming straight back to you, Kammy, because there’s news of a goal at the Lantern! But for who, Chris Kamara?

Chris: I don’t know, Jeff. Has there? I must have missed that. A goal?

Jeff: Chris, Chris, according to our sources it’s a goal for Kalvin Lumbombo-Kalala.

Chris: No you’re right, I saw him celebrating by the side of the pitch, but I thought they were bringing a sub on, Jeff.

Jeff: No, we can confirm it was a Lumbombo-Kalala strike from the edge of the box, that took a slight deflection on its way in. You keep your eye on the game, Chris, and I’ll ask Matt Le Tissier for his thoughts on the opening goal. Massively against the run-of-play, Tiss. How do you explain that?

Matt Le Tissier: It’s the Covid jabs, Jeff. Must have got in the keeper’s eyes and blinded him. It’s the only rational explanation.

Jeff: Erm… Thanks for that, Matt. Take it easy on the Pot Noodles. Back to the game and Potters have gone close again, Merse.

Paul: I dunno how they’re losing this one, Jeff. It’s a terrific shot from Gordon, who broke free into the Rooks’ box, but Nathan Harvey has pulled off a worldie save. Terrific stuff, Jeff, but still 1-0.

Jeff: Well, it was 1-0, Paul Merson. But now it’s two! Chris Kamara, did you see this one?

Chris: I did, Jeff, and it was a belter. A lovely through ball slipped into the path of Ryan Gondoh, who’s one-on-one with the keeper, gives him the eyes, and finishes it low into the bottom corner. And there’s a filthy celebration to go with it, Jeff.

Jeff: Is that what the kids call ‘twerking’, Phil Thompson?

Phil Thompson: I don’t know what they call it, Jeff. In my day it was called indecent exposure and a clip round the ear from the sargeant.

Jeff: Well, we’re into the second half now, and it’s end-to-end stuff. And it’s fair to say the Rooks have got Nathan Harvey to thank for the clean sheet so far, Merse?

Paul: It’s another worldie save, Jeff. It’s a shot curled from 25 yards and the young lad has reached across and tipped it over the bar. I dunno where they found this keeper, Jeff…

Jeff: He came from Chatham, Merse.

Paul: Chatham? The only thing I’ve ever got from there is a mugging, but this lad is special.

Jeff: But they’ve finally beaten him, Merse. It’s 2-1!

Paul: Yep, spoke too soon, Jeff, although it’s not the keeper’s fault. He’s pulled off another brilliant low save but Adams was there to poke in the rebound. Twenty-odd minutes left to go, Jeff. Squeaky bum time.

[About six hours pass]

Jeff: According to my watch, we’re now in December. Any sign of this game ending anytime soon, Chris Kamara?

Chris: I dunno, Jeff. I’m at the Palace collecting my OBE for watching the longest game of football ever. Back to the studio.

Jeff: Relax, Chris, I can confirm the lights have finally gone out at the Latern and Lewes have held on for a 2-1 win. It’s the first time they’ve won their opening three games of the season since Terry Parris was courting. Join us next week on Isthmian Soccer Saturday. We’re off to get Matt Le Tissier sectioned.

Lewes: Harvey, Tamplin, Hughes, Vint, Penney, Egan, Murtagh, Wood, Gondoh, Whelpdale, Lumbombo-Kalala

Subs: Salmon, Panyi, Pritchard, Moore, Dalling

Supporters Club man of the match: Nathan Harvey. At least two tremendous saves that kept us in it. Honorable mentions for Penney, Whelpdale, Murtagh and Wood.