Neil: David, it’s Neil. It’s a bit of an emergency. The Lewes FC management team have been caught in traffic on the M25 and they need someone to take charge of the game this afternoon. Can you get down there?

David: No problemo. Who are we playing? Arsenal? I bloody love Arsenal. Wrighty, Big Tony, Merse – he likes a pint. Or is it United? Becks, Scholesy, nice bottle of claret with Sir Alex after the game. Don’t mind if I do.

Neil: No, David. It’s Potters Bar.

David: Erm… OK. Smaller gig than I’m used to. But as long as the bunce is OK, I’ll do it. OK if take Gareth with me?

Gareth: Well, obviously I’m coming. I’m assistant manager.

David: Assistant to the manager, Gareth.

Gareth: Yeah, like I said, assistant manager.

The new management team arrive at The Orbital Fasteners Stadium

David: Bit lower, Gareth.

Gareth: The lads are asking if we’ve got any tactics this afternoon? Whether we’re going on an all-out offensive or going to take them from behind?

David: Tactics? Do you think Terry Venables gave Gazza “tactics” when he went out and destroyed the Jocks, Gareth? No, he told him to relax, get out there and grab us a goal, and there will be a pint or six on the house at Scribes later.

They will never work in a place like this again. Fact. And they’ll never have another boss like me, basically a chilled-out entertainer. If that makes me a bad manager, sue me.

An emergency meeting is called at half-time

Gareth: What are we going to do?

David: We need a song. The women have got a song to get them going, the lads need one too. Fetch my guitar, Gareth.

David: If that doesn’t perk them up, nothing will.

Lewes: Bull, Warren, Mundele (Hutchinson), Kaiser, Enkh, Muirhead (Ghannam), Allen, Sablier, Allsopp (Ladapo), Williams (Malachi Morris), Bassett (Maliq Morris)

Supporters Club man of the match: Marcus Sablier sprayed the ball around well, particularly in the first half

Boyesy’s brilliant photos: