“Listen up, Gentlemen. This isn’t a drill now. You’re being dropped into hostile territory. It’s the middle of nowhere, there’s scrap metal everywhere, and if the enemy don’t get you, the kids on scooters will. Pay attention. It’s gonna be hairy. The ground is like a bog. It’s on a slope that makes Everest look like Amster-frigging-dam. Look after one another. Stay tight. And if you hear car keys jangling, don’t freak. It’s just something they do.”
“Sir, yes, sir!”
“Good luck, gentlemen. Don’t come back in a body bag.”
[Troops fan out in the mist and the rain, and it’s not long before there’s an early breakthrough.]
“We’re swarming all over them, captain. They’re panicking. Defences are in disarray. Their big guns at the back are even clinging on to one another and claiming they’ve been hit… And they have been hit, sir. Corporal Woods has just split their back line and Private Ogunwamide has hit the target. Over.”
“Good work, gentlemen. But don’t get cocky. Those of you who served in Operation Wingate know what happens if we don’t stay focused. DO YOUR JOBS.”
[There is a short lull in the action before…]
“Captain, we’ve been hit! It was a big, long Howitzer and it’s dropped right behind our back line. One of their units has burst through and slammed it into our barracks.”
“Jesus H Christ on a speed boat. Didn’t I tell you to keep it tight? How did you not spot that one on the radar? Look, nevermind. It’s still in the balance out there. Keep pushing. Don’t do anything rash.”
[A few moments pass…]
“Sir, we’ve done something rash. They were mounting an attack down the right flank. Not much in it, truth be told, but we bought it and they’ve been handed a free strike. It’s gone right down the middle, sir. There are casualties.”
“Give. Me. Strength. OK, focus. There’s still plenty of this mission left. Let’s hold them back for ten minutes, then we can regroup and plot a counter-offensive for the second phase. Do not, repeat, do not buckle. That’s an order.”
[A vanishingly short amount of time passes…]
“Mayday! Mayday! They’ve broken down the left flank this time, and they’ve unleashed a missile, fired straight into the top corner. We’re going down!”
“Shit the bed. Look, fellas, I know this looks bad, but there’s still the entire second phase of the operation to go. We can salvage this. Dust ourselves down, show some balls, get ourselves back into it. Who’s gonna be the hero?”
[Radio silence.]
Lewes: Harvey, Elliott, Hughes, Vint, Penney, Wood, Ogunwamide, Whelpdale, Olukoga, Lumbombo-Kalala, Dreher
Subs: Murtagh, Lyon-Monk, Wickramasinghe, Panyi, Dalling, Salmon
Supporters Club man of the match: Ola Ogunwamide. Was downed for a clear penalty (not given) before stroking us ahead with a lovely finish.
Boyesy’s brilliant photos:
