Bryn: Right, come on then. All aboard! I, for one, cannot wait to get to Essex and see all the lads again: Dirt Botts, Bully, Chinese Allen.

Nessa: Oh. Bryn. What about Nabeel? Nabeel The Baby?

Bryn: He’s in the squad, Ness.

Nessa: Tidy.

The clan arrive in Essex and the first half goes very agreeably…

Bryn: I don’t mind telling you, I’m having a whale of a time. I’ve lost count of the number of shots we’ve had, truth be told.

Smithy: And what a strike from Eddie! Edge of the box, in off the post, bosh.

Pam: My little prince!

Mick: We’ve got to be careful, though, Pam. Too many shots and not enough goals – we’ll regret it in the morning.

Pam: Oh, shut up, Michael. It’s Christmasssss!

But the second half doesn’t go quite as well…

Bryn: How many shots did we have before the break? I’ll square with you, I’ve not felt this rough since Potters Bar.

Gavin: Has anyone seen the ball? I’m sure we had it in the first half, but it’s gone AWOL.

Mick: Look, relax. There’s only five minutes to go. It’ll be alright.

Ness: What’s occurring?

Pam: Oh my Christ. We’ve given the ball away in midfield and they’re all over us. He’s gonna score at the back post.

Mick: Calm down, he’s hit the post from a yard out. I told you it would be al…

Nessa: Oh.

Mick: Look, everyone relax. Alright, a last-gasp equaliser wasn’t how we planned the day, but it’s not the end of the world. We’ll take a point.

Nessa: Oh. They’re gonna score again. I knows it, I feels it.

Pam: Oh my Christ. Their lad’s free at the back post again. Mick! Mick! MICHAEL! Will you do something?

Smithy: Sod it. I never liked football anyway. Anyone want to go fishing?

Lewes: Bull, Warren (Ladapo), Kaiser, Spinks, Ojemen (Puemo), Sablier (Ghannam), Muirhead, Allen, Allsopp (Ekpiteta), Bassett, Botti

Unused sub: Morris

Supporters Club man of the match: Marcus Sablier slipped through a dozen delicious balls before he was forced off after the third off-the-ball challenge that the officials failed to spot