Lewes 3 vs East Thurrock 2: All that Razz

Another sensational week at the world-leading, groundbreaking, Netflix-documentary-in-the-making that is Lewes FC, as Ollie Tanner turns down a move to Tottenham Hotspur to stick with the Rooks.

While it’s smashing to have Ollie on board for the foreseeable, the club will have to make some significant changes to afford Ollie’s new £40,000-a-week contract to stay with the promotion-pushing Rooks. These changes will be announced to owners at this week’s Town Hall meeting, but sources close to the club tell us to expect:

  • Season ticket prices to rise to £18,000 (£17,500 for OAPs) from 2022/23, with the club’s marketing department using the slogan: “Hey, it’s still cheaper than your electricity bill!”
  • The Dripping Pan to be converted into a drive-thu McDonald’s, with the crops from Brad’s Pitt used for the new Veggie McRook Burger
  • Club directors to get their own Only Fans profiles, catering to the more extreme end of the market

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Back on the pitch, it was the Rooks’ other winger, Razz Coleman De-Graft, who looked like the Premier League catnip in the first half.

Joe Taylor and Tanner had both passed up presentable opportunities before Razz’s fine footwork set up our first goal, just after the half-hour mark. Lou Carey collected a tame shot and rolled it out to Juevan Spencer, who travelled half way down the pitch before slipping the ball to Razz. The East Thurrock left-back was getting full value out of his XXL shirt, so it wasn’t a major surprise when a Razz twist left him floundering like a badger on rollerskates.

Razz got to the byline and pulled the ball back for Spencer, who had continued his run right into the box before smashing it high into the top corner.

That was a lovely goal, but it was definitely eclipsed by the second, which was a stunning team move finished by Razz himself. The returning Freddie Parker, Razz, Klass, Taylor, Klass and Taylor again all had fine touches before Razz slotted Taylor’s unbastard-like cross low into the bottom corner.

So, 2-0 up at half-time and everything looking as comfortable as Boris Johnson’s majority… but (**coughs** Brightlingsea ** coughs**) we’ve squandered two-goal home leads against lower-league opposition recently and we came a bit close for comfort to doing the same here.

What’s happening at half-time? I have a theory. When he was on the board of directors, Clive Burgess was infamous for switching off every light bulb to cut costs. Now, in his new unsung hero role as kit manager, Clive is switching the half-time refreshments from expensive Lucozade to cost-efficient Lidl Orange Squash, thus sending the players back out with less energy than an iPhone battery.

“This tastes like Rocco’s piss, Joe.”

Of course, the main culprit for this second-half wobble was the wind, which the Rooks were kicking into during the second half. Although there was nothing wind-assisted about East Thurrock’s first strike in the 62nd minute. Ben Wyss curled a lovely ball into the path of Johnny Ashman, who dinked it over the on-rushing Carey.

Game very much, and very unwelcomely, on. Thurrock pushed hard in the second half and were perhaps unfortunate not to take a point, although they did get a bit of luck themselves. East Thurrock confusingly arrived with their own Mitchell Nelson at centre-back, just as ours was sitting out a suspension. And it was Miles Mitchell-Nelson who clattered into Joe Taylor for an obvious penalty late into the second half, but the ref – doubtless confused by all the Mitchell Nelsoning – merely pointed for a goal-kick.

Instead, we had to rely on a wee bit of luck ourselves for our match-winning third. Stand-in captain and Michael Bolton tribute act, Will Salmon, saw his shot deflect off a Thurrock defender, straight into the path of Luton loanee Casey Pettit, who buried his first goal for the club.

There was still time for East Thurrock to race up the other end and get a ridiculously soft penalty for their striker running into Tom Carlse, which was converted in time added on. But, unlike the Tanner transfer fee, the Rooks banked the points.

Lewes: Carey, Spencer, Salmon, Weaire, Carlse, Klass, Maloney, Parker, Tanner, Coleman De-Graft, Taylor

Subs: Yao, Hall, Pettit, Gillies, Dalling

Video highlights:

Boyesy’s brilliant photos:

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