“Please take a seat. Now what can I do for you?”
“Well, I’m feeling a bit low, doctor. Bottom of the league, looking nailed on for relegation. Is there anything you can give me to pep me up a bit?”
“Here, take a couple of first-half goals. Should have you feeling right as rain in no time.”
Thus has been the story of the past two games, with Dr Lewes handing out the happy pills to bottom-feeding Canvey Island and Potters Bar, stress testing the terrace theory that we could still just about survive if we don’t win another game between now and the end of the season.
Certainly current form makes it hard to see where the next win’s coming from: one win in our past ten, one point from games against the near-marooned bottom two, shipping goals softer than the Wembley seats at the Dripping Pan. The only glint of sunlight is that Monday’s opponents, Whitehawk, are in even shabbier form than we are.
Optimism wasn’t exactly overflowing when we saw the teamsheet for Potters. No Charlie Walker, off on his holibobs apparently, and no Krokhin The Barbarian, the breakout second-half hero of last week’s skirmish with Canvey Island.
Still, at least the players couldn’t complain about Potters Bar’s pitch anymore, the rutted tractor field of yesteryear now being replaced with a 3G that looked smoother than a snooker table. Although Potters have made some very odd decisions around the ground. The little stand that used to be dead-centre behind the goal at the far end has been shoved towards the corner flag, giving the ground a bizarrely lopsided view and the away supporters cricked necks, as you crane to look towards the centre of the pitch. The massive outdoor bar area has also been replaced with this:
(Photo shamelessly stolen from Sinclair Spencer.)
No, me neither…
We started this match OK, Bobby Unwin testing the keeping with an early header and a low shot, before Danny Bassett stung the keeper’s palms with a rasping drive.
However, no matter how many defenders we’ve gone through this season (678 at the last count), it seems none of them have read the Sam Allardyce Guide To Defending Corners, leaving Nana Kyei to pop in a free header from six yards out and the away end to mutter words that rhyme with clucking bell.
Their second came from a penalty, after a challenge that was do daft it could be in Trump’s cabinet. And we almost gave them a third before the break, when the last man in defence tried a ridiculous drag back that was easily intercepted and gave their striker a free run on goal, which he put wide.
The second half was a non-event. Right until the death, the only thing troubling their keeper was the price of petrol. Five minutes into injury time, Danny Bassett popped in a consolation goal, and then there was a brief glimmer of hope when we won a corner. With everyone loaded into the box, it failed to beat the 5ft 4in defender at the near post…
An Easter Monday win against Whitehawk would be a much-needed tonic. And doctors don’t work both Bank Holidays, do they?
Lewes: Rogers, King (Bernal), Watson, Paye, Enkh (Kpakpe), Muirhead, Allen (Booth), West, Unwin, Roberts (Christian-Law), Bassett
Unused sub: Hamstead
Supporters Club man of the match: Lewes fan, Alfie, who made two terrific stops behind the goal when errant shots came hurtling towards him. Here he is shortly after being told he was our Man of the Match. Look at his little face…
